June 28, 2017

A Pre-Season Conversation Between Two Cleveland Browns Fans

Randy: Hey Mark, what’s going on? How’s life?

Mark: Eh, it’s not so great. The wife left me, all of the pollution here is making me sick, LeBron James left and I think that I’m going to lose my job soon.

Randy: Wow. That’s terrible, man. I’m so sorry to hear all of that. There’s got to be something for you to look forward to right?

Mark: Well, football season is about to start and I think the Browns are really going to give the AFC North a run for their money this season.

Randy: Uh, Mark….. considering how bad things are right now, I wouldn’t put any sort of faith into the Browns.

Mark: (sobbing) I know. I just…. I just need something to hold on to or I know I’ll go crazy.

Randy: Well, I mean, maybe they’ll be alright. I mean, we have a new quarterback this year. Jake Delhomme I think.

Mark: Yeah, doesn’t he suck though.

Randy: Yeah. We have a pretty good backup though. His name is Seneca Wallace I think.

Mark: Who the fuck is Seneca Wallace!?! I’ve never even heard of him.

Randy: Yeah, I know. Really all we have going for us is Josh Cribbs. Our hometown team built a football program around one guy because he’s pretty athletic. Jesus, it’s the same thing the Cavaliers did. What the hell are we going to do if Cribbs goes down?

Mark: I swear to Christ that I will fucking kill myself if Cribbs gets hurt.

Randy: Jesus, Mark, don’t say that. I mean it’s not all that bad… we can do it…. we just need to beat the Bengals, Ravens and Steel……. Jesus……. Now I kind of want to kill myself too.


This was an actual recorded conversation between two Cleveland Browns fans. The recording was recently bought by famous (shitty) filmmaker M. Night Shyamalan and is the going to be the inspiration for the upcoming movie “The Happening 2: Cleveland Carnage” in which the Browns, not fucking grass, is responsible for a massive amount of suicides in Cleveland, Ohio in a short period of time.

I might go see that movie.