July 27, 2017

Somali Pirates We

Almost every single NFL team has an understandable mascot. The Bengals, for instance, have a Bengal Tiger as their mascot. The large cat is terrifying because it could easily drag my large (very large) dead carcase high up in a tree to eat me. If that’s not bad-ass then I don’t know what is. Some other teams with great mascots are the Chicago Bears (a bear), the Detroit Lions (a lion), Dallas Cowboys (Doc Holliday), New England Patriots (George Washington), the Raiders (the bad guys in the Mad Max movies) and the New York Giants (a giant).

Of course, there would not be a great NFL mascot like a Bengal Tiger without some shit mascots. Not every team can be called the Bengals (this week on Monday Night Football, the Cincinnati Bengals host the Pittsburgh Bengals and next week the San Diego Bengals host the Houston Bengals). Some terrible team mascots are the Miami Dolphins (the cutest mammals in the sea), the Baltimore Ravens (a small bird), the Pittsburgh Steelers (a factory worker… who’s probably also an abusive alcoholic), Seattle Seahawks (some sort of hawk that lives out on the sea?) and this weeks opponent, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

If you’re disagreeing with me because you think pirates are cool then you are either A. a five-year-old child, B. an asshole or C. Samalian.

Here’s what television has tought me about pirates…. by the way, a Buccaneer is a pirate, just in cast you didn’t know that… television says that pirates look like this:


He’s smiling because they’re docking penises. Don’t know what docking is? Now you do.

Or that they look like this:


Considerably more badass than the weiner touching pirates above but still, a starving and desperate band of Somalians is probably not the best mascot idea


In an effort to be politically correct, I’m assuming that Tampa Bay chose to go away from the idea of having gun toting Somalian pirates as a mascot so that leaves Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp and I’m absolutely positive that two butt-touching pirates are no match for a fucking jungle cat. I’d love to see that slap fight.