September 30, 2014

An Open Letter to Bengals Fans

An extension of what Number 1 Fan said:

If you booed Carson Palmer, not only are you an asshole, you’re an idiot. Here’s why:

Carson Palmer is one of the biggest reason that the Cincinnati Bengals transformed from the worst team in the NFL (the 1990′s) to a year in and year out playoff contender. No, they’re not going to win every game and they’re not going to go to the post season every year but they have the potential to win every game and the potential to go to the playoffs every year. Without Palmer, the Bengals offense, and the entire team for that matter, is doomed to be cast back

down to the Buffalo Bills level of football. A terrible, cold place where Happy Feet Fitzpatrick is the best option.

While you think about that, let me hit you with this.

There was a woman who sat somewhere behind me on Sunday who constantly screamed for the coaches to remove Carson from the game and give his little brother, Jordan, a shot. I swear I would never hit a woman but if she’s there again and says that one more time, I swear I will throw her off of the balcony and I know the sensible Bengals fans will cheer me for it, maybe even her husband. How is it possible that somebody, and I’m sure she’s probably not the only one, could be that stupid and still function well enough to breath without choking on their own saliva? I have no idea.

I’m going to send a letter to Roger Goodell tomorrow (not really but I should) begging him to change the NFL ticket policy. I’m going to propose that from now on all people wishing to buy a ticket to an NFL function must complete and pass an NFL Football 101 course. The course will be free and it will help fans understand the ins and outs of the sport that we all love so much. It will teach fans that there are only three time outs per half, that Jordan Palmer isn’t even close to being as good as Carson Palmer and that it is not okay to boo a quarterback that has brought the Bengals from a consistant bad to an unconsistant good. Hopefully Goodell will take me up on my advice because if he doesn’t my head might explode.

If I was Carson Palmer, he’s what I’m thinking: I can’t wait to leave this city.

Are you surprised? You shouldn’t be. He has a terrible offensive coordinator calling his terrible plays (I’m not going to talk about that anymore because it’s just beating a dead horse and my beating stick is getting worn down. Hopefully Mike Brown sees it just like anybody with half a brain does), he’s got a fair offensive line – not a good one and he has receivers that catch the ball when they feel like it (the last interception that proved to be the final nail in the Bengal loss coffin was Chad’s fault not Carson’s. That pass almost hit him in the damn face). After being frustrated by all of these things that are not his fault, he hits the milestone of 20,000 career yards and then he hears his own fans boo him. I bet if he hit that milestone at an away stadium, he would have been cheered more than he was in PBS.

If I was Palmer, I wouldn’t be able to wait until my contract was up so I could get the hell out of Cincinnati where he gets no respect for what he’s done. I hope and pray that it doesn’t happen. I hope that, for his sake and my sanity, the Bengals start winning so the unbelievably stupid fans get off of his back and he sticks around. I hope he wins a Super Bowl, for his sake and mine, because he deserves one. What I hope doesn’t happen is that his contract is up, he flips Cincinnati the bird and walks to a team with a good owner and a better offensive coordinator. Then when he comes back to Cincinnati, he beats the shit out of the Bengals on his way to a Super Bowl championship. Then I want to ask those fans who booed him if they miss him. I bet they say yes. Then I’ll punch them all in the face. They’ll deserve it.