Yep, the Bengals suck this year. This does not mean that you should hate the Pittsburgh Steelers any less than any other year. Here is a reminder of the 10 reasons to hate Pittsburgh tomorrow:
1. Bandwagon fans – The Steelers don’t travel well. The thing is, they have “fans” all across the country. Most of these people have never even been to Pittsburgh but claim to be a Steeler fan for life. There are several reasons there are so many of these bandwagoning mouth breathers all across the country:
– Some people just like rooting for the teams that win. These are the worst kind, you see their fandom goes as far as who is the hot team right now. Everyone hates these people.
– Some claim to root for the Steelers because their dad or grandfather did. I hate to break it to you, but your dad or grandpa is a bandwagoning dipshit and you have fallen into the loser trap they set. You see the Steelers were a joke of an organization for a long time before they welcomed and encouraged steroid use in the 1970’s. A bunch of championships were won by a group of players who are no longer with us due to the effects the bull semen or whatever roids they were on had on their bodies. So your pops was just like you, a bandwagoning douche nozzle a generation earlier.
2. Troy Polamalu – Sure the guy is a great player (even though our very own Cedric Benson knocked him silly last season). But seriously, can there be anything more gay than him doing all those shampoo commercials? I mean what’s next? Is he going to be faking orgasms in a waterfall or something? This dudes hair is more famous than he is and Steeler fans are ok with that. Peyton Manning is even sick of seeing this guys hair in commercials. Do you think Rey Maualuga would be caught dead in a Dove commercial? I get it, he has hair and it is long. His hair is so pretty Mike Tomlin has to forcibly restrain Big Ben from trying to rape it.
3. Yinzers – What the fuck is that? The population of Pittsburgh (all with 45 chromosomes I presume) fail to properly use the English language and mash, make up and butcher words and they celebrate it as culture. Pittsburghese is an accent or dialect that people in Pittsburgh speak. Instead of staying “downtown” they say “dahntahn” instead of “You Guys” its “Yinz”. Then they make fun of the Bengals saying WhoDey.
4. Black and Gold – So the Steelers wear black and gold. So do the Penguins, and the Pirates. What mongloid thought up this brilliance. The town constantly looks like a fat numbered bumblebee convention.
5. Ben Roethlisberger apologists – I briefly wrote for another blog where each week we would nominate someone as the douche bag of the week. We grabbed the shittiest of people anywhere from the guys responsible for the economy collapse to people that have hurt kids. On an off week we chose Big Ben as the weekly candidate and we got 20 times more comments on that article than any other. Steeler fans scour the net to defend their beloved QB. Most in the middle of the night probably looking for spank material. The guy makes the dumbest decisions in life and you all celebrate him for it. Shit that is messed up.
6. Hines Ward – The grinning dirtiest player in the NFL is easy to hate. The Steeler fan will tell you how his late pansy hits are just tough football when in reality it is because he is a puss. You know the kind of guy he is. He is your friend who when a fight breaks out will stand in the back and only punch a guy when he is not looking, or the guy in a mash pit who stands on the side and pushes anyone with their backs to them. Steeler fans think it is him being tough, the rest of the world knows he is just cheap. Also, when porn star Jesse Jane was asked about her relationship with Hines Ward. She said something along the lines of “Let’s just say he’s more Korean than Black.” Ouch.
7. Myron Cope – A broadcast legend responsible for some great terms like “double yoi”. What the fuck does that even mean? I fail to understand how such a biased broadcaster has been celebrated so much. He is also responsible for the terrible towel.
8. Terrible towel – Speaking of the terrible towel, this is one piece of fan equipment that is the most annoying of all the rest. All this towel tells the rest of the stadium is that you have little understanding of the game and have just shown up to wave some laundry. Last season I had an 8 year old kid standing on the seat in front of me waving his towel the whole game right in my face. He started the wave sometime during the national anthem and is probably still waving. I have never wanted to punch an 8 year old as bad as that kid. I softened when I looked at his parents and realized this kid has absolutely no shot in life.
9. Ben Roethlisberger – If I was the water boy for the Bengals and they won the super bowl, I could probably parlay that into impressing some lady and getting some action. Shit, if the Bengals won the big game, I could probably use owning this blog to get some action. Ben, as a super bowl winning QB, fails to impress anyone and has had to force himself on underage girls. You would think a super bowl star could come up with better game than surprising drunk women with his wang hanging out. This missing link looking asshole is a true douche bag.
10. The city of Pittsburgh – This town lives and dies with the Steelers. The depressing filthy stink hole of a city is bad enough, but the mood can be measured by how the Steelers did the previous game. These people have no problem with crime, rust, deterioration, stink or filth as long as the Steelers are winning. Bring this fact up to anyone in Pittsburgh and the usually respond with how many super bowls has your team won.