This one was to unbelievable to not share with you all. It is no secret my feelings for the douchebag QB of the Pittsburgh Steelers, Ben Roethlisberger. Now it appears like the good Christian kid he is, he is going to settle down and get married. Good for Ben, he found a girl that is going to put up with him and hopefully make him an honest man, but reading the article in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette had me laughing out loud at the commentary. I decided to tackle the finer points of the article FJM style for your enjoyment.
The 2005 season turned out even better than Ben Roethlisberger imagined, and his first Super Bowl victory at season’s end wasn’t the only one that involved a ring.
WDF Take: This was a magical year for Ben, he also decided to free ride his crotch rocket into a Chrysler New Yorker on the mean streets of Pittsburgh. Not only did Ben not wear a helmet, he did not have a license. All this after claiming on TV that he never rides sport bikes and has a license.
That August at training camp at Saint Vincent College, he met a Steelers fan from New Castle named Ashley Harlan. On July 23, only a week before the Steelers are scheduled to report to training camp (provided an NFL lockout of the players is lifted by then), Mr. Roethlisberger and Ms. Harlan will marry.
WDF Take: So while the rest of the team is preparing for the season at camp, Ben is trolling the crowd for some coeds to assault. After a short courtship of 6 years he is finally ready to settle down with this camp angel.
Some of those stories detailed a “wedding” gift registry at various department stores, which in reality was a registry for Ms. Harlan’s shower. Because of the publicity, she has received packages from unknown people who have bought gifts for a shower they will not attend.
WDF Take: What the fuck is wrong with Steeler fans. Most of the people that troll the web looking for the wedding registry of Ben and his bride are probably at least 3 months late on their trailer payments. This is not a sweet note in the article, this is evidence of stalking. I am willing to bet 99% of the gifts received from people they don’t know were shipped from out of town. You all are fucking losers and this is the proof.
“We’ve gotten a lot of gifts from people we don’t know,” Mr. Roethlisberger said.
WDF Take: What Ben meant is: “What the hell is wrong with you people?”
It may be a relatively short engagement but the relationship was much longer in the making. After finishing an afternoon practice in August 2005, Mr. Roethlisberger walked through part of the Saint Vincent campus, ran into a fan and started talking to him. The guy had a sister, Ashley Harlan.
“We were kind of on and off for five years — almost six years now — so I’ve known her for a while. It’s not like a random new person. We dated a while ago; we have been friends ever since.”
WDF Take: She must really love Ben or Ben’s money. I mean, it is well documented his affection for underage coeds in backwoods bar bathrooms. Whether he was committing a crime or not, there was more going on than signing some autographs.
“People can say that it is whatever, but people who know and can see and are around us and know me, know that it’s something special when you find that person, and I’m extremely lucky.”
WDF Take: On this point I agree. He is lucky to be alive after his accident. He is lucky to have won the genetic lottery with his athletic ability. He was lucky to avoid rape charges on three separate incidents. He is lucky his defense carried him through his two super bowl wins and he is lucky that one girl finds him desirable.
Ms. Harlan, a physician’s assistant who turns 27 in July, lives at home with her parents. Mr. Roethlisberger cited the couple’s religious faith and beliefs as the reasons for not living together until marriage. He also hopes she can continue to live her life out of the spotlight.
WDF Take: Too easy. Forget for a moment she is 27 and living at home. His religious beliefs are the reason they don’t live together? I never knew the sin was cohabitating. I thought it had to do with pre-marital sex. I guess a little forced slap and tickle in the back bathroom fits right into his divine lifestyle. What a douche.
“I try to protect her as much as I can. People have gone to her parents’ house and have been doing some things,” Mr. Roethlisberger said of the media. “That bothers me a little bit because it’s what I do for a living, I have to deal with it, but her parents and her, that’s not what they have to do. I understand it’s going to happen a little bit, but I’m still going to try to be very protective of the people I love — my family, my sister, my aunts, uncles, grandparents and now her. I try to be very protective of them because I don’t want her to have to be scrutinized over every little thing she does.”
WDF Take: First, Steeler fans are fucking morons. You are not safe and need to realize how psychotic these ass holes can be. Second, maybe if you were a little better person, people would not be so shocked that some chick wants to hang out with you. I mean, there are players all over the NFL who get married and don’t have to deal with the bullshit you have brought on yourself.
Can’t wait to see the Steeler fans at camp this year. After this article the fat female Steeler fans will be out in the thousands trying to land their own football player.