So here's the deal. It's time to do your part for the Bengals. Go here, right now, and buy some season tickets. You know you want to. If you have been down to the stadium on game day before, then you know what you will be missing out on if you don't throw a sweaty wad of cash at Mike Browns chubby face. If you haven't been to PBS on gameday before, well one, you're a hermit or some other kind of crazy, and two, you have no idea what you're missing.

Hi. I'm a hermit and there is a very good chance that I hate fun and puppies.
Let me tell you what you're missing. You're missing eight glorious days of food, beer and football.. but not just football.... f*cking Bengals football. Add that to two more pre-season games and possible playoff games and you've got a recipe for asskickery the likes of which you've probably never seen. Still need convincing? Okay, I'm going to give you a list of reasons to buy Bengals season tickets and hopefully by the time I'm done, you'll already be halfway through typing in your credit card information. Here we go.
REASON NO. 1: Being Selfish Sucks
Nobody likes a selfish person. I didn't like the little asshole who wouldn't share his dynoriders toys with me in preschool (remember that shit?) and I don't like assholes who don't share things with me now. The worst thing in the world for a Bengals fan would be to suffer through a terrible week of work where the only think keeping him from blowing his (or her) brains out is the Bengals play on Sunday. Then, when the clock strikes 1 pm on Sunday and he (or she) settles comfortably in front of his (or her... do I have to keep doing this to keep any female readers happy?) television to watch the Bengals kick ass, something terrible happens. Channel 12 is playing re-runs of Rerun doing his gay little dance on What's Happening!!. What is happening!?! would be the last thought gowing through his head, other than a bullet. It's a sad story and it's all your fault.
If you don't buy season tickets, you are increasing the chances of a black out which in turn increases the chances of mass suicides on Sundays. Do you really want all of that blood on your hands? And do you really want the Rerun dance on TV every again? I hope not.
REASON NO. 2: Drinking On Sundays
Let's face it, alcohol makes everything awesome. It makes the most mundane tasks much less mundane. It makes that fat girl with a slight lisp in the next cubicle hot and gives you the power to talk to her. It truly is the nectar of the gods. It is usually unacceptable to drink during the week if you're a functioning member of society and if you have a family, it is usually unacceptable to drink period (unless you're cool). However, there is a weekly holiday that allows you to drink your face off and your feelings into a coma every Sunday for half the year. That holiday is called tailgating. Yes, friends, tailgating is one of the greatest traditions of football. It gives you a reason to crack open an ice cold Bud Light at eight o'clock in the morning on a f*cking Sunday. There is no better way to get ready for another shitty work week than showing up on Monday half drunk and half hung over. Unfortunately, without season tickets, it's basically pointless to tailgate. So, if you want to be able to throw up from gratuitous amounts of alcohol on a Sunday morning, you had better get some tickets. God made Sunday for rest and football. It's what Jesus would do.

Buy Bengals season tickets or burn in Hell for eternity.... simple.
REASON NO. 3: Screw Your Mortgage Payment
Look, it's no secret that it's all the rage to get your house forclosed on. Nowadays, it's what all the cool kids do. Are you concerned about money? Afraid you won't be able to send your kid to college if you buy season tickets? I have the solution for you and the solution is, f*ck your kids and f*ck your house. Okay, that sounded bad but it's kind of true. I'm sure you don't want to resent your kids (or your house) for ruining your life just like I'm sure they don't want to be the reason that mommy or daddy drink so much. Do things for yourself now and let your kids fend for themselves later. Besides, the world is probably going to end in 2012 so any extra work you dump into your kid's future is going to be wasted. You might as well waste that work, in the form of beer and football, on yourself now. And, if the world doesn't end, at least your kids will know how to fend for themselves. That's more than can be said for most kids.
REASON NO. 4: Being Irresponsible Is Fun
I am one of the most irresponsible people that I know. I burn holes in my pockets like my money, for some reason, is made of fire. I have no concept of the words save, consequence, 401-K or no (that last one causes problems). While I may seem to be a functionally retarded, alcohol drenched, broke drain on society, which may be true, but I have more fun than you. I cannot afford season tickets this year. So logically, yesterday, I bought season tickets. I buried myself under a mountain of debt so I could make sure that I'm there on Sundays to chear on my favorite team. Does that make me a bigger and better fan than you? Well I don't want to say I'm better than anybody but I totally am and if you're ass isn't in a seat come August 15, then I'll continue to think it.
Being responsible might sound cool but being an idiot is much more fun. Trust me, I'm an expert.
So there you have it. There are a thousand more reason for you to cowboy up and do your duty for the team who get's you through the 40 degree, rainy crap winter in Cincinnati. Besides, who doesn't want to have a seat license when the Bengals play their second home playoff game in two years?
Who Dey.