Before Big Willie left the Queen City for Baltimore to wear a gay purple uniform, he opened a fine eating establishment in Oakley call Fat Burger. It is exactly what it sounds like, giant burgers with all the fixings. I've been there, the food is good.... almost too good.
Now fast forward to this year. The Bengals are 3-1 (should be 4-0) after a quarter of the 2009-2010 year has been played. This is worlds apart from the 0-4 record that the Bengals had at this point last season.
Are the two linked? I think they may be. Submitted for your approval, you're traveling through another dimension. A dimension not only out of sight but out of mind. A journey into a wonderous land whos boundries are that of imagination. You see a sign post ahead, your next stop, it reads.... welcome to the retarded conspiracy zone.
Think about it, the Bengals are O-4 at this point last year and are driving all Bengal Fans into a deep clinical depression. What do people do when they are clinically depressed?... They eat. At the same time, Big Willie opens Fat Burger, a place that sells burgers that are the size of a toddlers head.
When the clinically depressed horde poured through the doors of Fat Burger, Big Willie was raking in the dough and the Cincinnati football fan got fatter and fatter (much like the mongoloid above). How could the city of Cincinnati possibly benifit from having fans who couldn't squeeze their fat asses into the seats in Paul Brown Stadium? That's when we get to this year.
This year, the Bengals have won two of their games on last minute touchdown drives. Their one loss against Denver happened on a last minute freak play and the fat guys in this city are dying of heart attacks. Every Bengals game, including yesterdays sloppy overtime win over the Browns, seems to come down to the wire and keeps fans on the edge of their seats. The fat guys hearts just can't handle it. Hundreds are dropping dead every week. Innocent guys like this dude:
and this poor kid:
are dropping like flies. Why you ask? Why would the Bengals and Willie Anderson benifit from fat ass Bengals fans eating themselves to death and dying of heart attacks? It's simple. Big Willie Anderson made a lot of money off of these fat fucks and Mike Brown in cheap. Mike Brown is trying to slim down Bengals fans by killing off the fat ones so he can sell two tickets per seat in PBS.
It's so much easier to squeeze guys like this:
and this
into the same seat than it is to have a crisco station outside the stadium to grease up the sides of all the lard asses. Mike Brown is murdering fat guys so he can make an extra buck. Hopefully he doesn't try to do the same thing next week against the Baltimore Ravens. They're too good to pull that shit against.
Disclaimer: I don't actually believe the bull shit, crack-pot theory that I tried to sell you. Mike Brown isn't actually trying to kill fat guys and Willie Anderson isn't in on it. It's 9:42 on a Monday morning and I'm just really drunk.
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